i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
