Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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