the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
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we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
