my shit smells like andre
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
