I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
