I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
