there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
