I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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