all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
