We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
