Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
