I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
