You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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