she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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