THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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