If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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