Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
