Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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