alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
