Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
this hospital has no fireball
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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