fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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