I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
there is glitter all over my balls
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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