What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
