I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
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I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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