shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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