i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
