He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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