he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
