I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
