this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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