it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
