why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
