You just made me feel so damn special
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
