did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
