He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
