my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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