I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Randomize
