hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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