So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
