He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
