The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
