It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
