for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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