Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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