Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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