yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I forget how to act sober
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