it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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