found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
