Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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