FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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