The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
