So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
