OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
