If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
