if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
