he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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