One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
