This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
