Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
