Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so much tequila, so little girl.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
