omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
