I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All the doctor said was why
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
