the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
