there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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