How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
