Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
